


Thoughts of a Lost Mind

by apple_cidre



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: F/M, Insomnia, JD's POV, MANY references (and not just from Heathers let's see if you can get them all), Minor Original Character(s), Sexual Harassment, Suicide, Violence, anxiety ;v;, spreading rumors, these tags are sadder than my self esteem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2019-11-17 16:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18102515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apple_cidre/pseuds/apple_cidre
Summary: Jason Dean hasn't had an easy life. All he wants is to be loved, nothing else. Although, he can't stand all the darkness in the world, and he just wants to rid everyone of it, but he tries to solve it the wrong way. What goes through his mind and what did he learn to make him go down this insane path?





	1. Don't Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction wow! That's lie actually, but first REAL and actually decent fiction and not some dumb warriors thing that doesn't make sense from like 4th grade. I welcome any helpful constructive criticism. I also give credit to my friends Caleb, Dylan, and Ivy, even though they didn't do anything for this chapter, they'll help me write this fan fiction.

Jason summoned all his courage as he went to go talk to his father. “Dad?” he asked. Bud Dean looked up from his beer. “What?” he grunted, an edge to his voice.  _ Maybe now wasn’t a good time to ask. _ Jason thought, but he had already gotten his father’s attention, which was pretty rare, so he asked his question.

“Can we stay here a little longer? I like it here in Texas and my friends are really nice.” Jason didn’t want to move to California. Texas was a nice place, but due to his father’s deconstruction company the Dean family moves around a lot.

“Too bad,” his father replied. “That old hotel in California is pretty much begging to be destroyed. I’m just doing my job.”

“But. . . can’t we just stay for a couple more months? Can’t the building wait?” Jason was ready to beg his dad to stay in Texas.

“No.” Bud replied firmly, his grip on the bottle tightened.

The boy was about to protest again, but his mother joined them. “Bud, he likes it here. Let’s just stay for a bit longer, it won’t hurt anybody.” Jason’s father replied something, but he wasn’t listening anymore, he was just thinking about having to leave his friends at school.

“I said  _ no _ ! We are going to California after we blow that damn library up.”

After that, the argument between his father and mother elevated, and Jason went up to his room. He lay down in bed and pulled his blanket over him, trying to ignore the yelling from downstairs. The fighting got worse. Suddenly, a loud crash made Jason jump as he heard his father yell. There was more chaos as he heard glass shattering and screaming downstairs. Jason covered his ears, trying to block out all the noise, but he was worried about mom. Was she hurt? The fighting lasted for six minutes. He listened for a couple of seconds, he heard his mother. “He is unhappy! He’s hurting, and all you care about is destruction.” 

“Well, sometimes  _ destruction is the only way. _ ” His father’s voice dangerously low. “Those buildings are a problem, I’m just fixing them. He can get new friends or whatever. Hell, he doesn’t even need them. They’re all going to be gone eventually.” Jason picked up a hint of sadness to his father’s voice, and was surprised to know Bud Dean could feel grief. “We. Are. Moving.” He heard the front door slam.

“What’s the point ever trying to talk to him?” Jason muttered. He wiped away a tear and fell asleep.

  
  


“Mom?”

Jason saw his mother waving at him through the window of a small library. She was smiling at him.

But something was wrong.

“Mom!” he called again. Wasn’t that the building that’s scheduled to be taken down?

“Dad! What’s she doing?” Jason called to his father, who muttered “The hell?” and signaled her to get out, but she kept waving. Bud ran off somewhere, probably trying to stop her. Jason didn’t pay attention, he was staring at his mom. “Why are you doing this?” he whispered. Distantly, he heard his dad yelling, but it was too late.

_ Boom. _ The library collapsed with mom in it. Jason dropped to his knees, his vision blurred with tears. “Mom. . .” He sobbed. A hand was placed on his shoulder, he didn’t bother to see who it was. “Why. . .” His voice trailed off.

“It was an accident. If I knew she was doing this, this wouldn’t have happened.” His dad’s grip tightened.

Rage briefly took over his grief for a moment.  _ She. . . she did this because of  _ you. _ She hated being with this family.  _ Jason thought

They didn’t even bother with a funeral. They were moving two days after and there wasn’t much after the building…

Jason didn’t want to go anywhere, but it hurt to be in the place where mom died. He cried again that night, and his dad went drinking again.

Sunday came and Jason dropped his last box into the truck. He hoped California would be a good place. It  _ should _ be, they’re moving to LA. He wanted to start over again.  **He wanted to forget about everything. Who he was, and what happened.**


	2. California

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Dean family has moved to California, and Jason gets a few nice surprises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday, jd. I made up this date but ehh. I realized his birthday in this fic was the same day this would be posted lmao.

Jason dropped the last box in his room. He sat down on his frameless mattress. Memories of the library flashed in his mind without permission. He wiped his eyes.

_ It was an accident.  _ His father’s words echoed in his head.  _ Yeah, an  _ accident, he thought,  _ she  _ accidentally  _ walked into that building two minutes before it blew up. Dad didn’t even do much to stop her.  _ He  _ was the reason she did that.  _ He  _ made her miserable.  _ It seemed like his mom was the only one who loved Jason.  _ Well, she didn’t love me enough to stay, _ he thought bitterly, but regretted it. He breathed in a few shaky breaths, controlling his anger.

He opened one of his boxes and pulled out a book.  _ Moby Dick. _ Jason didn’t know how it got in with his stuff. Maybe he threw it in there by accident. He shrugged and started reading. 

After a while of trying, he couldn’t understand much of what the book was saying, so he put it down and searched for something else. He picked up  _ Superfudge  _ and started reading. It distracted him for a few minutes, but he eventually became restless. He once again thought about having to go to a new school, even when he had done it many times before. Not all schools had exactly friendly classmates. Some were kind, but they already had their own friends.

Jason didn’t even want to talk to anybody. He was grieving too much to feel like making friends. He’ll just lose them anyway. He shook his head and went back to his book, trying to clear the negative thoughts. He changed his mindset.  _ You don’t stay friends with the same people forever. You get new ones over the years. Just make the best of it while you can.  _ The boy felt better, but couldn’t shake the anxiety of joining a new school. Maybe he never would. Jason wondered if anybody has ever been in his situation.

He was interrupted from his thoughts when he hears his father call. “Son! Get down here.”

When Jason walked downstairs and into the living room, he found his father laying on the couch next to a table with five empty cans of beer. Bud held out a cup. “Prairie oyster,” his father instructed him, “an egg, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, salt and pepper, some hot sauce, and vinegar.” Jason looked at him questioningly, but his father gave him an impatient look. He took the cup and headed to the kitchen.

The kid struggled to find the hot sauce. The kitchen was a mess with items scattered across the counter. He searched around for a bit and finally found it. “Hurry up!” His father called and scared Jason, nearly causing him to drop the bottle of hot sauce. He picked up his pace. When he finished the prairie oyster he brought it to his dad who grunted as some sort of thanks. He went back to his room and started reading again.

  
  


Jason silently walked into his new classroom. There were butterflies in his stomach as some kids looked up at him. 

“Okay, Jason, tell your new class some things about yourself.” Ms. Morton told him. He was used to this, but he didn’t really want any reminder of who he was since Texas. 

“Uh, I’m Jason Dean. I like music and my dad owns a deconstruction company.” He didn’t have many interesting things to say, and people don’t normally talk about their parents’ jobs, but some of his classmates seemed pretty fascinated by it. One kid at the table at the front, labeled table 1, smirked mischievously and whispered something to a student sitting next to him. He didn’t reply to his classmate, just gave Jason a friendly smile. He seemed pretty nice, he had short, brown hair and he was wearing a gray sweatshirt. Other kids gave him the same friendly look as well.

Jason sat down at table 3 next to a kid named Dan, and across from him was Ashley. The other kids at his table were Andrew, Amber, and Justin. Their table was in the center of the class, and the largest.

The class was just reading and comprehension. The class was doing the work in groups. Dan was Jason’s partner, though Jason could have managed the work himself.

At recess, the two students from table 1 came up to him. The kid in the gray sweatshirt spoke first. “Hey, Jason. I’m Chris, and this-” he gestured to the taller boy “-is Jacob.”

“So what brings you to our town?” Jacob asked.

“My dad’s work.” Jason replied.

“Your dad’s Big Bud Dean, right?”

“Yep.” The other two boys thought that having Bud Dean as a dad was cool, but Jason would disagree.

“His commercials are everywhere!” Chris chimed in.

The kids just exchanged things about them, and Jason met some of Chris and Jacob’s other friends. They just talked with each other for a week. The topic of moms came up once, but it was quickly dropped and never spoken of again as soon as Chris realized it was an uncomfortable thing with Jason.

He joined in with the games at recess, and felt normal for the first time in a while.

Chris invited Jason over to his house a couple of times, and Bud even allowed Chris to visit once.

  
  


Jason walked downstairs, yawning. It was Sunday and his dad went out, probably to go drinking again. He went to grab a bowl of cereal, but noticed something on the table. Twenty five dollars. Next to a note that said “Happy Birthday”. 

It was his birthday. March 16. He knew it was his birthday, but didn’t think his father would bother to do something for him. He was surprised and touched, and took it with gratitude.

  
  


Jason searched for Chris at recess. He found him talking to two other kids from the seventh grade. His friend seemed uneasy and glanced around, when he saw Jason he quickly averted his eyes.

Chris approached Jason when he finished his conversation with the other students. “Seventh graders are the worst.” Chris groaned.

“What did they say?” Jason queried.

“I don’t wanna talk about it that much. They were saying things. They’re really annoying.”

“Okay.”

“I’ve got some birthday money. Wanna go to 7-11 after school?”

“Yeah, man.” Chris smiled.

  
  


Jason was gonna meet his friend at 7-11 after dismissal. He was close to the building, and saw someone leaning against the wall on the corner.

“Hey, Chris. . .” He trailed off. The person who Jason assumed was his friend turned around. He realized it was one of the seventh graders. 

“What-” Jason was taken by surprise as he was grabbed from behind and thrown to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big oof. Jason has been jumped! What will you do?
> 
> A) Fight  
> B) Run  
> C) pull out a gun-  
> D) yeet the hell outta there
> 
> lol sorry, he’s just newly 11 and is already getting in fights. I wanted to end the chapter on a more interesting note ;>
> 
> I know, you’re supposed to underline book titles, but I didn’t wanna do that so I put it in italics instead


	3. Fight or Flight

He hit the sidewalk hard. He was held to the ground as someone searched his backpack. Jason struggled to free himself, but that only annoyed his attacker who pressed his face into the sidewalk.

“Got it. Here, Dave.” he heard a familiar voice and the weight on his back was gone as he heard running.  _ What did they take?  _ Jason got up. The group ran in different directions, and the closest kid was the seventh grader with money in his hand, who Jason assumed was Dave. Without thinking, he followed him and saw the other kid crossing the street, he ran over to their side. He realized he cut in front of a car when he heard someone honk at him.  _ Sorry! _

When he reached the other side, the kid realized too late that he was running straight to him. Jason saw his money in the seventh grader’s hand. He tackled him. He grabbed for the dollar bills, but he got pushed off. He stood up to get shoved into a wall, he kicked out and struck the attacker’s shin, unbalancing him.

“Give it back!” he spat, struggling against the student. Jason backed off to avoid a fist being thrown at him. He wanted to run. He started to step away but stopped when he backed into someone. Instinctively, he spun around and shoved whoever was behind him, which was Jacob. Jason recoiled at seeing his friend helping to attack and steal from him. Jacob stepped forward only to get pushed away again. He didn’t forget about the seventh grader, he turned and threw a hook. He realized there was another one.  _ Really? _

It was three versus one, and they were all bigger than him. He should run, but they don’t have the right to steal from him.

He struck Dave right in the jaw, and used the same arm to elbow the other seventh grader. “You little shit!” the taller kid hissed as he recovered. Jason stepped to the side to avoid two angry assholes barreling towards him. He had ever been in a fight before, but the other kids probably haven’t been in many either. He noticed Jacob had stood back while he fended off the other two pretty well, but they were all exchanging hits. 

Jason has delivered three particularly good blows each to his opponents before Jacob grabbed him from behind and held his arms back.

“Let go!” Jason struggled.

“Sorry, man. It’ll be quick.” Jacob’s voice held regret, but he didn’t let go.

Dave stepped up and punched Jason right in the eye. He stepped back as his friend took his place, jabbing him in the gut. Jason stifled a gasp. They took turns hitting the poor kid. He grunted at each blow.

He was on the floor now, receiving kicks leaving him winded

Finally, they stopped. Dave lifted Jason’s head by the hair. “Thanks for the money. We can split it three ways. Maybe  _ four _ .” He sneered and let go of him.

He was left on the ground bruised and battered.  _ Four? _ What did Dave mean by four? Was someone else in on the attack? He thought about it for a moment. The realization hit him hard and it hurt.  _ Chris. _ He recalled Chris talking to the same seventh graders who attacked him. Is that how they knew he’d be going to 7-11? Is that how they knew he had money?

He picked himself up and walked home. He went straight for his room and sat down, head in his hands. Betrayal left him bitter and hurt. He had dealt with rude kids before, but this was worse.

Everything stung, so Jason went downstairs to get an ice pack.

  
  


The next day at school, his table asked him what happened to him.

“You see,” he answered loudly. “I was walking to 7-11 and I walked into some kids. Everything’s a blur after that, but maybe someone saw what happened.” He spoke bitterly on purpose while eyeing table 1.

Jason avoided everyone outside, he wanted to be alone.

Bud didn’t show much concern for Jason, but he did leave him a couple dollars on the table again.

He went to 7-11 by himself. He went for a coke slushie. He sipped it, and quickly got a brain freeze. He never liked getting brain freezes. He drank from his slushie slower this time.

On his way back home, he ran into Dave. _ Oh, great. _

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Dave was talking about Chris.

“Where’s  _ yours _ ?” Jason shot back, noticing Dave didn’t have the other seventh grader with him. “I don’t have money this time, but you can have my slushie.” He took off the lid and whipped the drink at Dave, staining his shirt. Jason sprinted away.

His pursuer was still a good distance away from him, so he turned left on the corner and dashed towards a car, hiding behind it on the street.

That seemed to fool Dave, who didn’t find him. When Jason caught his breath, he checked to see if Dave was still around. He got up and walked home once he knew the coast was clear.

Once he got to his house, he changed his shirt, which had some slushie stains on it.

He saw down and did his homework, but it was hard to concentrate. He got some revenge, why did he feel so empty?

  
  


Bud walked into the house later that day, laughing. “That hotel went down just like that!” he snapped his fingers. “Kaboom!” Jason’s father chucked and put on some tapes of buildings collapsing. He gave his own father a disgusted look. Bud didn’t take notice. Instead, he put his hand on his son’s shoulders.

“You like this place?” His father asked.

Jason shook his head.

“Great, I got a case in Colorado. We’re leaving on Thursday.”

Jason found it hard to get much sleep for a while. His bruises made him uncomfortable. He was constantly tossing and turning, and when he did manage to sleep, he’d have nightmares.

He was getting thrown around and hit. He tried to do something, but it was like there was some force preventing him from moving.

Jason would wake up sweaty and with a headache. This would keep happening for the following days. He just wished he could have a break from the repetitiveness and have an easy sleep.

He once again hoped that his new home would be better. He hated the monotony of moving. It was like a moth ate through his shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that last sentence is a reference from my favorite band. To me, it has multiple meanings, and it’s probably confusing to you.


	4. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so in the last chapters i wrote 7-11 but in this it's 7-eleven and i can't fix it rn sorr  
> thanks to my fren Dylan for helping me write the first part of this chapter

Jason felt uneasy on the plane leaving California. He was worried about how his new school would go. The two of them were packed up and on the plane to Colorado. Jason felt lonely. Sometimes he felt like running away, but that thought was just dumb. He also wanted to just disappear, but instead he was thousands of miles in the air. Jason found it a good time to take a sleep, he couldn’t handle his thoughts racing.

He was woken up when his father shook him roughly. “Let's go.” Bud grunted. Jason was still drowsy after being woken up so suddenly.

He followed his father out of the plane, even though he wanted to get away from him. He ran to catch up with Bud. “Go get the bags, I'm gonna get a drink.”

“Dad,” Jason began, but Bud Dean was already walking away. He didn’t know where to go. He finally caught up to his father. Bud was going towards a mini bar the airport had. “Dad, where do I get our things?”

“Figure it out yourself.” He turned back to the bar and sat down.

After a while Jason eventually found the luggage and went back to his father. “Hey dad I got our bags.” Jason expected to leave, but he had to wait for Bud to finish a few drinks.

When they finally arrived at their new home, Jason went to his room collapsed on his mattress while his dad probably downed a few more drinks.

Jason woke up a 7:15 AM. He dragged himself out of bed and walked to school.

He entered his classroom and a couple of students looked at him while he sat down. “Welcome, Jason, tell the class a little bit about yourself.” His teacher prompted him. He internally sighed and said the same thing as last time, like always. He wished he had something else to say, but he was Jason Dean, just a shadow of his father. They moved all the time he never got to do sports or any activity.  _ I don’t even know myself. _ He realized bitterly.

School was as slow as ever, and Jason didn’t talk to anybody. When he finally got home, his father was sitting on the couch with his beer in hand. He was watching some tapes of the destruction of structures. One of the buildings was a little too similar to a little library in Texas. Jason stiffened and forced himself to walk upstairs.

In his room, he couldn’t help thinking about mom. That same anger towards his dad came back. He didn’t know why, but he let it stay.  _ Why did you have to leave, mom?  _ Jason thought.  _ Why did you leave me on my own?  _ He took control of his grief and anger and sat down to do his homework. 

  
  


The next day at school, Jason tried to socialize with his fellow classmates, but he realized they were avoiding him.  _ This is what you get for not talking to them the first time.  _ The day before, he had turned away any potential friend.

In the hallways, he saw someone approaching him, but the boy’s friends pushed him away, looking at Jason with disdain. _ Oh how nice,  _ he thought as he turned away.

All his classmates were annoying. Girls only cared about how pretty they looked, and the boys were just making vile jokes.

At recess, Jason decided to talk to the kid from earlier. He spotted him talking to his friends. He approached them, but two of them faced him while the third one distracted his target. “Hey, new kid, how you doing?” The kid who spoke first was around Jason’s height, just a bit taller. He was wearing a white jacket and had black hair. Jason knew the two were going to try to intimidate him, but he wouldn’t let that happen.

“I’m just here to talk to your friend.” Jason replied calmly.

“Well, he’s busy. Maybe later.” It was easy to tell the boy was struggling to keep his cool demeanor.

“Just go find someone else.” The other boy chimed in sharply.

“What’s wrong with trying to make a friend? He was trying to talk to me earlier but he was stopped.” The kid Jason was trying to talk to was led away by the third jerk.

The other students saw too and the taller kid spoke louder. “Look, he’s walking away. He doesn’t want to see you.” They were starting to draw attention.

“Come on. Let me just talk to him.” Jason was growing impatient. He stepped forward just to get pushed.

“Hey, back off.” A circle of kids was starting to form around them, anticipating a skirmish.

_ Great. I was expecting a friend but instead I’m getting a fight,  _ Jason thought as the two boys stepped closer.

“What’s wrong?” The taller student took another step towards Jason and shoved him into his friend.

Jason didn’t like all the attention, and he really didn’t want a recess monitor to come. He was scared, but he wouldn’t show it. “Let me go.” His voice was loud and clear as he spoke, but it didn’t do much.

“Or what?” the kid behind him laughed. Other kids joined in, too, but they stopped laughing when Jason punched the black-haired kid right in the face.

While all the kids were still stunned, Jason walked away. As he passed them, some of them called him crazy or a freak. Their words hurt but he kept a straight face until he found a quiet place on the playground. When nobody was around, he finally broke down.

He came home later that day to find his father with another beer. “We have to stay in this dump for at least a month.” Bud grumbled contemptuously. “Can’t find a decent building right now.” Jason knew his father usually took larger or more unstable buildings. Bud found satisfaction in the way those structures went down.

The phone started ringing and Bud picked it up. Jason went to his room to do his homework. He jumped when he heard the phone slam and his father yelling “Goddamnit!” And pretty soon, there were loud crashes and things shattering. Suddenly, Jason was taken back to his old house in Texas. Memories of his mother flooded his mind. He shook his head and lay down in his bed. Covering his head with his pillow, he tried to drown out all the noise. Jason eventually fell asleep, but he dreamed about the destruction of the library with his mom in it.

 

Jason was waiting for Bud to find a building so he could maybe find a better school. A month and a half later, his father did get a job. Unfortunately, it was back in Texas. Jason’s classmates weren’t bad, but he couldn’t talk to anybody. HIs mind was focused on the memory of the last time he saw his mom.

Being back in Texas made Jason miserable. It was hard to catch up on school and he had anxiety.

In math, the teacher asked the class to find x. The question was 5x - 7 = 38.  _ It’s nine.  _ Jason raised his hand, but started to worry.  _ Is it really? I must have done something wrong. I just learned this while everyone else knew already. I solved it too quickly. If it’s wrong everyone will just think I’m stupid, and maybe I am.  _ He started to lower his hand but Mr. McCann called on him. “Jason?”

He panicked as he felt eyes on him and he started to get hot. He couldn’t back down now. “Nine?”

“Very good, x does equal nine.”

Jason internally sighed. His heart was racing for no reason. The boy scorned himself for worrying so much, and continued the day in silence.

 

The Deans moved again after some weeks, but they stayed in Texas to Jason’s dismay. Was Bud trying to make him unhappy?

School was a nightmare. In math, his class was already finished with half the unit, and somehow he was put in the advanced class. “You’ll be fine,” his teacher would tell him. “You’re a smart boy.”  _ Maybe that would be true if I wasn’t moving all the time.  _ Jason thought dejectedly. His reading class was finishing up a book and was about to take a test for it, and science. . . had interesting lectures.

At recess, Jason overheard a girl named Laura talking about him to her friends.

“You think that new kid’s cute? He’s creepy. He doesn’t even look that smart.” Jason made a fist. He was tired of people talking about him.

Some other girl started to reply, but he wasn’t listening. He walked away till he was out of earshot.

The Deans stayed there till the end of the school year. “Hey, you gets to keep your new friends now.” Bud had told Jason, but he hadn’t managed to make any friends. He was quiet and reserved. Nobody would notice if he just disappeared, and that’s what he wanted to do. Disappear.

 

In the summer, Jason moved to Tennessee and his father took him to a building. An old condo. It collapsed and reminded the boy of the small library back in Texas. He stood there frozen while Bud chuckled.

Afterwards, Jason took a walk to clear his mind. He found another 7-Eleven and shrugged. He felt like having a slushie. He bought a cherry slushie and took a swig. Soon after, he got a brain freeze. Although this time it wasn’t so bad.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN'T PROOFREAD RN I'M GONNA GET IN TROUBLE IF I STAY ON THE COMP ANY LONGER LMAO  
> sorry for taking so long
> 
> also, some of these thoughts JD have may or may not be what goes through my mind at times as well..


	5. Something Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S AT NIGHT AND I SHOULDN'T BE ON RN AGAIN SORRY AND SORRY FOR NOT POSTING IN LIKE A MONTH I SUCK I KNOW I'M SORRYY  
> also what's the word count? lmao i think this is too short

It was the first day of 6th grade, and Jason was entering his new school in Florida. It was Spring Hill Elementary, and there were quite a few new students here. His teacher, Mrs. Kaiser, was pretty cool, and his classmates didn’t seem so terrible. In this school, the students from the higher grades switched classes for each subject. Some of the schools he’d been at switched too, but it was a little different. Jason was in the advanced math class again, so he headed to room 306. All his teachers were great, but Jason’s favorite was Mr. Wiley. He was a musician and was comedic, he told the class about a hilarious story that happened to him as a teenager. His second favorite teacher was Mr. Myers, who was also a musician.

Outside, Jason talked to a kid named Joseph.

“So you’re new here, right?” Joseph had asked him.

“Yeah, my dad owns a deconstruction company, so we move around a lot.”

“Oh. Is it tough, moving around everywhere? Losing your friends?” There was something in Joseph’s eyes that told Jason they were a lot alike.

“Yeah, have you moved too?”

“Yep. It sucked, but you move around  _ a lot _ , right?”

Jason sighed, remembering all the times he left his friends. “I moved so much I’ve lost track.”

“Everything was fine until my parents divorced three years ago. I stayed with my dad and we moved here. Then I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.”

“Oh, well. . . my mom died some months ago.” Was he supposed to say that? Joseph just opened up to him, so he should say something too, right?

“Oh. I’m so sorry.” Joseph looked alarmed, and Jason wanted to cringe.

“Well. . . things happen.” Jason searched for a new topic. “Anyway, I’m going to 7-eleven after school, wanna come?”

Joseph smiled a little. “Sure.”

For the first time in a great while, Jason felt normal. He was doing well in school, he made a couple of friends, and he was staying for four weeks.

Too bad those weeks flew by.

  
  


Jason was now in Wisconsin, giving his father another hangover cure. He handed Bud the warm lemon and honey and went to his room. He picked up the book  _ Dear Mr. Henshaw _ and started reading silently. He finally had some peace and quiet, this was the worst his dad has acted in a while. He remembered the time when some teens were being too loud outside their house. They were hanging around for too long and Bud came out with a gun and shot blanks at them. Bud laughed as he watched the kids run away screaming.

That night, Jason was once again trapped in a nightmare about his mom. He was back in his old house in Texas, and he heard the familiar yelling and crashing. Only this time, more things were being thrown and his mother’s screams were louder. It was as if she were being hurt. The noise lasted for what seemed like hours, and a voice hissed in his ear.  _ You did this to her. This wouldn’t have happened if you just kept your mouth shut. _ Suddenly, there were footsteps going toward his room. He shrank back in fear and the door opened.

He woke up.

Jason entered the school gates of Ravenwood Elementary School.

A new start. Again.

Lately Jason has been easily distracted and it was hard to do very well in school. Every time he moved to a new school the class had already started a book, topic, and lesson before him. It was challenging to catch up and the other kids noticed. He tried to ignore his classmates whispering and staring at him, but outside when he heard someone say “Airhead,” and their friends giggled and jason found an isolated place to cry.

Eventually, he’d accepted the fact nobody liked him or at least wanted to talk to him. He tried to not let their words get to him, but that failed. All he could do is refuse to show he was hurt, but that didn’t work too well either.

Jason sat on his bed with his head in his hands. He finally had some peace and quiet after all the shade that was thrown at him.  _ Nobody wants you,  _ the voice from the other day whispered in his head.  _ Nobody would care if you just vanished in front of their eyes. _

6th grade was torture, he never found many acquaintances and sat at home all day reading the same books and listening to the radio. Jason was starting to believe the things his classmates were saying about him. Worthless. Lonely. Deranged. Moron.

Jason ended up going through six schools that school year. He sat on the bus alone on the field trips, he didn’t bother talking to anybody, he didn’t trust anybody, and he was used to it.

He was now in 7th grade in Lakeside Elementary. He had a rough summer, and just wanted to get through the year.

He was walking down the hallway to his next class. The day was almost over, and he survived. Then all his things fell out of his hands.  _ Great.  _ Jason got down to retrieve his items but then someone stopped to help him. It was a girl. She had blue eyes and brown hair. She handed him his books and he was a little stunned from the fact that somebody had helped him. He took his things and she was already walking away.  _ Say something! _

“Uh, thanks.” Jason mustered up his courage and thanked her.

The girl looked over her shoulder, smiled, and gave him a nod of acknowledgement.

Jason stood there, watching her walk away. Eventually, he smiled as well and traveled to his next class.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD IT'S ONLY 963 WORDS YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME I'M SORRY I SUCK AT WRITING I SWEAR THE ENXT WILL BE LONGER AA
> 
>  
> 
> also jacob may or may not have taken his own life-  
> quite a few of these characters are based off people i know and look up to irl. also, i don't give much desc of them bc i suck at it and i want people to have their own like head cannon thing yeah.  
> idk what's more depressing, this chapter, or me and my poor writing skills and procrastination. i have no excuse i am so sorry. hhhhhhhhhh


	6. Someone Who Cares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dedicate this one to Mae bc i feel bad about hurting jd so much the past 5 chapters lmao and we all want to just give him a hug. also shoutout to the first two guests to ever comment on my work thanks guys

_ The girl looked over her shoulder, smiled, and gave him a nod of acknowledgement.  _

Jason never felt better coming home from school. Someone had actually been nice to him. It’s been a while since that happened. He was in an unusually good spirit. He was unfamiliar with this feeling. The boy felt too good to stay in his room for the rest of the day, so he went out to take a walk.

The weather was still warm, and Jason was craving a slushie. After wandering around aimlessly, he saw the 7-Eleven sign. It was nice and cool inside. This store was just like the last one he’d been to, only bigger. Jason noticed there were some other students there. A couple boys pushed past him to leave, and a group of girls remained in the store. They were blocking him from the slushie machine, so he walked into the other aisles. His eyes were concentrated on the shelves, looking for a good bag of chips, and didn’t notice someone was in front of him. He bumped into someone and immediately started apologizing.

“Oh! I-ah. S-so sorry!” he stammered.

“It’s okay.” Jason realized that was the girl who had helped him in the hallway.

“Thanks again for helping me out earlier.”

“You’re welcome. I’m Sarah.” She held out her hand.

“Jason. Jason Dean.” He shook it.

Sarah smiled and reached out to grab the Pringles on the shelf.

Jason walked out of the aisle and went to get a slushie now that it was no longer blocked. He grabbed a medium sized cup and poured the coke slushie in it.

“Come on, Sarah, let’s go!” Jason heard someone call.

“Hold on, I’m getting a drink.”

Sarah was at his side, getting a blue raspberry slushie. Jason minded his own business, sticking the straw in his cup.

“You’re getting a coke over blue raspberry?”

Jason turned to Sarah, who had startled him. “Yeah?”

“Have you ever even tried one of these?”

“No, I don’t like all the coloring in it.”

“What? Come on, it’s fine. Here, let’s switch.”

Jason hesitated, but took her slushie out of her hands as he gave her his. He sipped it carefully, trying to not get a brain freeze, but eventually he started guzzling it down. 

“Woah, slow down. Are you trying to get a brain freeze?” Sarah asked, and sure enough, Jason felt a rushing pain and let out a gasp. Sarah just laughed.

“Hurry up! We’re leaving!” one of the other girls in the store called again.

“See you later.” Sarah followed her friends out of 7-Eleven, and Jason waved at her until she was out of sight. He payed for the slushie and walked home in an even better mood.

Jason came home to his drunk father watching some more tapes of building being blown to smithereens. Bud Dean was almost knocked out and Jason sneaked past him to his room. Inside, he was bored once again without having anyone to talk to. He didn’t even want to think about having to move.

Jason was having trouble with his math homework, so he went downstairs to take a break. Even though he wasn’t asked to, the boy made a prairie oyster for his father. Bud was passed out on the couch, so he set the cup down on the coffee table.

  
  


In math, Jason wasn’t paying attention. He was lost in space until he heard his teacher call on him. “Jason?”

His attention was snapped back to reality, and he felt eyes on him. He didn’t know the question, since he wasn’t listening, and everyone was expecting an answer.

“Do you have an answer?”  
“Uh-I. . . I don’t know.” Someone snickered, and it felt like Jason was being poked on the back with a hot needle.

The teacher called on someone else, and Jason wanted to vanish.  _ Idiot _ , he scolded himself,  _ you’re doing bad enough in school anyway. _ Due to moving, he wasn’t able to have a very consistent education, but he was trying.

Out at recess, Jason just sat on a bench alone. The sun was warm on his face and he started to doze off. He didn’t notice someone was sitting next to him until he heard a giggle.

“Quit sleeping. It’s too good of a day to not be playing outside.”

Jason recognized Sarah’s voice and looked at her. “It’s too good of a day to  _ not  _ be sleeping. The sun’s warm, it’s peaceful, and quiet,” he smirked at her.

“Oh, come on.” Sarah grabbed his arm and stood up, bringing him with her.

“What are you-”

Sarah cut off Jason by slapping him on the shoulder, yelling “Tag!” and running away. Jason followed her. They were seventh graders acting like third.

The playground was pretty large, and Sarah had been going to the school longer than him, so she knew it pretty well. Jason managed to just barely avoid kids and obstacles while she dodges them without trouble.

Finally, he found an opportunity. He cut her off from under the slide and crashed into her. The two kids fell to the ground. “Tag!” Jason laughed.

“Get off of me!” She shoved him off, chuckling. She stood up and held out a hand. He let her help him get up. “Come on, wanna meet my friends?”

“Sure.” Jason shrugged and followed her.

They stopped by a group of kids sitting on the ground in a circled, talking. One boy noticed Jason and remarked. “Looks like Sarah got a new boyfriend.”

“Right, and you’re still mooning over your little third grade crush.” Sarah retorted. Everyone laughed.

_ Wow _ , Jason thought.  _ She’s definitely quick-witted.  _ He remembered all the times he got teased and his poor response to it.

The group was pretty nice, and if they were making fun of each other, it was only jokingly. Jason fit in with them pretty well. His favorite out of the group was Sarah and Jake. Though Jake was the one who teased him, he was cool, calm, and kind. Extremely funny as well. Two siblings in the group, Alex and Emily, played the ukulele outside at recess. They had been playing for two years and were really good at it. 

Sarah was the most popular one in the group. She hangs out with the “cool kids” sometimes, but sticks with Jason and the others most of the time.

After a few days, Jason was feeling happy. It has been a long time since he felt that. Though it was kind of unfamiliar, happy was nice.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i try to write at least 1000 words for each chapter, but people probably won't even read it all. and this is mostly dialogue hh
> 
> AND COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT BUT THERE'S THIS KID IN THE GRADE THAT PROBABLY NOBODY LIKES HE WAS PLAYING W/ HIS PAPER IN READING, SO MY FRIEND TRIED TO GRAB IT FROM HIM, AND THE KID RIPPED HIS OWN PAPER AND HELD IT UP TRYING TO BLAME IT ON MY FRIEND. EVERYONE SAW WHAT HE DID AND WAS LIKE "BOIII WE SAW YOU"


	7. Fitting In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so the whole frens squad people thing is jason, sarah, jake, alex, emily, katie, josh, and riley.  
> warning for a bit of abuse, but not too bad.  
> i've been sick for an entire week soz

Jason’s father was once again struggling to find a building that was “good enough” and he couldn’t be happier. The Deans would stay for at least another month, and Jason would be able to stay with his friends. 

He then realized he never told his friends that he moves often.  _ I better tell them, _ he thought.

But as he went to to meet with his friends outside before school started, he noticed Josh had gum. He sneaked it on to school grounds, and gave everyone a piece. 

Jason forgot to tell them about moving. 

All eight students succeeded in not getting caught chewing gum by any teachers,but still threw them out by morning recess. Alex played “Can’t Help Falling In Love” on his ukulele and everyone else listened, each person with unique amazed expressions.

Most of the kids agreed to meet up after school, but Alex and Emily had a family event. They all went to Jake’s house and he pulled out three kick scooters, while Riley brought her own.

“So uh, how do you ride these?” Jason asked.

Jake immediately began to enlighten him, and Jason got the hang of it pretty well.

Josh and Katie were the only ones without a scooter. Josh said he could run to keep up with them, which everyone didn’t believe, and Katie would ride her bike, being the only person who is able to.

The kids just traveled around the block until they decided to stop somewhere. Jason, predictably, suggested 7-Eleven and they all agreed to go.

Only Josh got a slushie this time. Everyone else got a pizza slice instead. They all liked to hang out and talk, like when their parents have a “quick chat” with each other. Though his friends always complained about that, Jason couldn’t relate. Bud Dean didn’t socialize all that much. He saw most people as nuisances, and he never took Jason out anywhere.

Jason was silent for a part of the conversation, he couldn’t stop thinking how he was already in seventh grade. Almost two years had passed since his mother died.

He winced. Remembering still hurt as much as watching it happen that day.

“Hey, you alright?” Sarah asked, noticing his pained expression.

“What? Oh uh- Yeah, I’m fine.”  _ Christ.  _ “It’s just that. We’re going to high school in a couple years, and it’s all going by really fast.”

“ _ Definitely _ ,” Sarah nodded, and everyone else agreed.

When Jason got back home, his father was drunk yet again, but this time he was also fuming.

“Where the hell were you?” Bud was very pissed. Jason looked up to see the fury in his eyes. 

“I was out with my friends,” he replied with an indignant tone.

“I needed somethin’ for this hangover, but you were out messing around with some kids. Maybe I should shoot blanks at ‘em too so they’ll stay away from you. A group of dumbasses were causing trouble so I had to chase ‘em off. Sure didn’t help my fucking headache!” Jason could barely understand his dad’s words, though what he was saying probably wouldn’t make sense anyway, slurred or not.

Bud smacked him right on the cheek and shoved a mug in his hands. “Kitchen. Now.”

Jason retreated to the kitchen fearfully. After a couple minutes, he was grabbed by the arm and yanked to the side. “Damn it, you’re slow,” Bud finished the hangover cure himself quickly, grumbling “useless.”

Jason went back to his room with his face stinging. He was having an amazing day and of course it had to be ruined.

He was hurt, angry, and upset, but above that all, he felt oddly empty.

It was not a good feeling.

For a while the boy just sat on his bed, staring off into space. He thought about meeting up with his friends again. Talking and joking. Playing music. The boys playing around. Being a part of something. And Sarah, who was kind enough to help him out. He finally felt better, and was excited for the new day ahead of him.

  
  


As he met up with his friends, Riley was the first to notice his face. “What happened to your cheek?”

Then everyone else followed with their concerns.

“Jesus, man.”

“Are you okay?”

Did something happen?”

“Did you get in a fight?”

Jason didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t want to go into detail. He didn’t want to worry his friends more. After a few moments of hesitation, he replied “There was an incident at home. That’s all.” Nobody questioned further.

Class was boring and slow as ever, but if Jason didn’t pay attention in class, he’d be screwed. His reading teacher was strict, but pretty cool. Still not a good thing to be on her bad side.

Once they were finally released for lunch, Sarah invited Jason to come over.

“Sure. 4:30?”

“Okay,” she smiled.

  
  


Jason came home and started on his homework right away. He waited in his room for Bud to call him down to make a hangover cure.  _ I’m gonna be late,  _ he thought. He just needed his dad to pass out so he could leave.

He walked downstairs to find Bud already asleep on the couch. Jason sighed and walked into the kitchen, making a prairie oyster.

He set the cup down beside his father and headed towards the front door. The boy opened the door and looked back, making sure the man was truly asleep. Then, he slipped away and headed towards his friend’s house.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it only me that gets uncomfortable writing characters with the same names as someone i know?? it's not based off of them, i just use the same name cause i'm unoriginal but it still bothers me.  
> also, the story rn is not in the canon area just yet, it's just interpretations and you're all probably done with this i would be too, but this particular school is important i swear.
> 
> fuu 917 words aaaaaa


	8. Locked Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so fcucking sorry for being dead for two months i hate myself more than you all do. i get distracted way too easily but since school is almost over i can post more often i'm so sorry i'm absolute shit and i have no excuse. this chapter probably sucks and if you're still actually reading this just, thanks.
> 
> at least this chapter is longer than usual.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sarah had asked Jason. The last time he came back from going to her house, his father was furious, and he received another blow to his face. This time, he made sure Bud went out somewhere before sneaking off.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It was just an accident,” he replied, unwilling to tell what really happened.

“Okay..” his friend dropped it, but she was still clearly concerned the whole time. “Anyway, I’m hungry. Are you?”

“I guess,” he shrugged.

“Do you know how to make pasta?”

“Uh, no. I never planned on learning how to cook.”

“My mom just taught me how to make it, it’s pretty fun. Come on, I’ll teach you.”

His friend crossed the living room and led him to the kitchen. It was pretty big and completely white. As Jason observed the area, Sarah grabbed a box of pasta and took out a pot.

Once the noodles were cooking, they had to wait fifteen minutes for it to finish, so they spent the time drawing.

“How about a skyline?” Jason suggested when they couldn’t figure out what to draw.

“Yeah, that would be cool.”

The two created a picture of a city during night, the stars and the lights of the buildings were making the image brighter. Jason turned out to be a better artist than expected, almost as good as Jake, though he was very humble about it.

“I’m not  _ that _ good.”

“Yeah you are!”

They eventually quieted down and just efficiently worked on the paper. The project was going very nicely and nothing could break their concentration, except one thing.

“Hey, did we forget about something?” he asked after twenty-five minutes

“What do you mean?”

“Weren’t we supposed to do something earlier? He thought about it for a moment, and realized.

“The pasta!” they both exclaimed together. They got up and ran to the kitchen. When the kids saw the burnt noodles they burst out laughing.

“Wow, I can’t cook for shit.” Jason breathed.

“I mean, technically, it’s not your cooking; we just forgot.”

“But if you forget things, cooking time, ingredients, whatever, your meal is gonna turn out bad.”

“Fair point.” He smirked over the little victory.

Jason had built many memories over the past month. He was  _ finally _ settling. He had a great time at Lakeside, and even when he was occasionally picked on by people, his friends were there for him. There had been a couple arguments with his dad though, and a few threats, but they were ignored. Over the weekend, Josh pulled Jason aside for a little chat.

“So how are things goin’ with you and Sarah?” he teased.

“What do you mean?” Jason asked, completely oblivious.

“What? You don’t notice anything?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about; nothing’s happening.” He suddenly felt  _ very  _ uncomfortable.

“Quit that nonsense. She  _ clearly  _ likes you. And I think you like her back.”

“Wait, what? We’re just friends!” he insisted, he never believed anyone would actually be  _ fond  _ of him. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“‘Course I do, I see it all the time.”  _ I doubt that _ . “I mean, I’m not lying. It’s not hard to see, and it’s not really a big deal. You should honestly be flattered.” Josh shrugged.

_ Flattered _ , Jason thought,  _ I don’t really feel  _ flattered  _ at all, just uncomfortable. _

Soon enough, Jason started to notice little things about Sarah he would usually ignore. Small habits, tics, anything. He would also always listen to what she had to say, and respond eagerly, also kind of embarrassingly. She also liked to agree with him, and laugh at his jokes, compliment his work, and more. He was beginning to see why Josh thought those things, but it didn’t prove anything. They’re just close friends.

 

At home, Jason Dean’s father looked incredibly smug, and he didn’t want to know why. He hid his discomfort and started to go up to his room.

“Hey, greet a man after a long day. Gonna tell me how work was?” Bud’s gruff voice rang out.

“Er- how was your day?” Jason asked reluctantly.

“Great. Finally got a building worth blowin’ up at Wisconsin.  _ Finally  _ getting out of this shit place in a couple days.”

Jason was shocked, absolutely speechless,  _ livid _ . Bud clearly saw his reaction and he fucking grinned and kept talking.

“Better hurry and pack up your stuff, son, or I’ll be leavin’ you behind.”

“I’d like that,” Jason muttered quietly as Bud walked out.

In his room, Jason felt a mixture of sheer disappointment, anxiety, and fury. He knew this day would come eventually, but he preferred not to think about it. And Bud’s face. The asshole. Of course he would be amused; seeing his own son miserable was his favorite pastime. He started gathering his things, but instead of packing up, he ended up yelling in frustration and flung things across his room. “ _ God damnit! Fucking hell! _ ”

There was a flurry of mostly books but also a lamp and full boxes slamming against the wall with loud crashes. His own racket he was making reminded him of the night when his parents had a big fight. But he couldn’t stop throwing anything in his reach. _ The fuck!  _ he thought,  _ what am I supposed to tell my friends?  _ He soon ran out of items to throw, so he pounded his fist against the wall. His fist was bruised and bloody while he finished punching a hole in the wall.

Jason’s dad came into the room yelling, “Shut the hell up and clean your damn room!”

At first, he was scared of his dad. Then, his anger came back. “Why don’t you clean it?” he retorted as he pushed past. He ran out of the house and Bud didn’t try to stop him.

He wiped away sweat and tears as he approached the door to Jake’s house. He knocked on the door and waited for his friend to open it.

Inside, he was sitting with his friend in the dining room. They drank soda wordlessly until Jason finally announced, “I’m moving in a couple of days.”

Jake gaped at him. “Why?” The shock and disbelief on his friend’s face mercilessly clawed at him.

“My dad’s making us move ‘cause of his deconstruction company. We’re leaving on Sunday.”

“Why tell me now?” his friend asked, hurt.

“I didn’t really want to tell anybody; hiding things is what I do best,” he answered bitterly. “I didn’t like any reminders of who I really was. I was going to tell you guys eventually, but I just forgot.”

_ What a weak excuse,  _ a voice ranted in his head,  _ you should have  _ never  _ became friends with them in the first place _ . 

“Alright. I’ll really miss you, Jason. The others won’t take it too well.”

“I know,” he sighed.  _ Especially Josh and Sarah _ , he added to himself. Those two were closest to him. “Guess I got to go now,” he shrugged and stood up.

“Alright. Bye.” Jake watched his friend make his way out of the house.

Jason stopped by each of his friends’ houses, breaking the news to each of them. And every time he had to see the pain and disappointment on each of them. He visited Sarah’s last.

“You can’t move!” she protested.

“It’s my dad’s fault.”  _ He loves destroying things too much. Especially my life. _

“But I. . .” she trailed off.

“You what?” he muttered with an edge to his tone.

“Nothing. I just hope you find more friends at your next school.”  
“I probably won’t.”

She didn’t reply, but gave him a hug. He pulled away after a moment. “You could ask him to stay,” she suggested.

“Oh, I’ve tried many times,” he growled, “too many. But he loves my pain. If I were to ask him again, a possible result would be a beating, or we get out of here sooner. My life is  _ fucked up _ , and  _ I’m sorry _ for getting you involved in it. I’ve been trying to hide it from you.” Jason’s voice raised during the rant. “My dad didn’t like me with you guys, he  _ threatened  _ you guys. He bullied my mom into killing herself. Every time you saw a bruise on my and I dismissed it, that was from  _ him _ .” He stopped to take a shaky breath. He looked up to see that Sarah listened to the whole thing looking solemn.

“I’m so sorry,” her eyes clouded and he looked away.

“Don’t be. Be concerned about your own life and I’ll be concerned about mine. Don’t drag yourself down in my sulking.” He got up and headed to the door.

“Wait-” she sighed. “Good-bye.”

“Bye. I won’t forget you anytime soon,” were his last words before he left.

 

Jason sighed as he walked into his first high school. He had predicted it would be shit, and he could already see the same unfriendly looks on each students’ faces. He felt a pang for no reason. He was a little disappointed that no one stood out to him. He tried to remember why he felt that way, but he couldn’t come up with something. All he could remember was feeling happiness and content, then anxiety and fury. He didn’t even know who or what hurt him, he just didn’t let go of the feeling. 

For the past few years, Jason had a grudge for a reason he didn’t even know. But he was used to it. It gave him a persona that made people leave him alone.

Or it encouraged people to pick on him.

 

Jason was walking out of school grounds but stopped as he heard jeers.

“Get a load of this mess!”

“His face is way too grody.”

He let out an exasperated sigh and turned to the two assholes. “And your birth certificate is an apology to the condom factory.”

The two shitheads looked at each other, looking stunned, then ran at Jason.  _ Fuck.  _

He just barely managed to step to the side and avoid a blow. He kicked at one of them and sent him staggering. Too bad the other came back in his place and sent a punch that winded Jason, who also threw a punch that landed on his attacker’s face.

He thought the little skirmish was over but they were once again throwing themselves at him.  _ Of course there had to be two of them,  _ he thought. Good thing they weren’t exactly great fighters, but neither was Jason.

He felt the familiar rage he carried with him for years coming back again. He swung a fist that landed directly at his target, making his nose bleed. Instead of feeling satisfied, he felt angrier.

He wasn’t aware that were was a crowd forming around the three boys, he wasn’t aware of anything at all. Just that emotion. The only thing he felt for years. He stopped, feeling lost, but he was pulled back into reality as he felt a blow to the gut and a following hook that threw him to the ground.

He barely noticed that he was getting kicked while on the floor. Instead of feeling pain, he just felt something indescribable.

As soon as it was over he got up on two feet and staggered through the crowd. There were emotions going through him one after the other. But the persistent one was anger. Mostly to himself. He was holding on to something he didn’t even know. It made him stop in the fight.

He walked to 7-Eleven to get a slushie. After it was purchased he took a long swig until he got a brain freeze. The numbness was nice. A good distraction from his current situation. His patheticness.

Eventually, the brain freezes helped him to completely forget completely. From then on, he was as cold as the drinks themselves. He liked it that way.

What a fucking miracle 7-Eleven stores are everywhere to keep his sanity.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been listening to "house of memories" and "golden days" too much so i kinda used that to write this. no references, though.


	9. Outrage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahaahahahahahaha i guess this is a vent because i have a fucked up asshole at my school, so this is based off of that.

****Jason raised his read from his book as he heard loud shouting. He grumbled and looked out the window. He spotted a group of sophomores hanging out on the street in front of his house. Their antics were loud and obnoxious, and soon enough, Bud was coming down with his gun.

He watched in satisfaction as blanks were shot in the air and the boys ran off. Once his dad was back inside, Jason stood up and asked, “Uh, hey, dad, can I see that?” 

“Sure,” he grunted and handed it to his son.

He fiddled with the gun for a moment. “These are just blanks, right?”

“Mhm.”

“Can I keep this?”

“You gonna help your old man by scaring away the brats?” He made a mischievous laugh. “Keep it.”

Jason wordlessly watched his father walk out of the house, probably to go to a bar. He played with the trigger and safety before putting it in his pocket.

 

“Hey!”

Jason heard an unfamiliar voice. Well, they were all unfamiliar since he was at a new school. He would have rather ignored it, but he turned anyway.

He saw a small girl running up to him. “Hi there, you’re the new kid, right?” she panted as soon as she caught up.

“Uh, yeah..”  _ I should have just ignored her _ , he thought.

“I’m Rachel, what’s your name?”

“Uh…” Jason didn’t want to give her his name. She was definitely an outgoing person while he was reserved and preferred to stay away from others. It didn’t help that he was always moving from state to state. There would be no point in making friends. 

He quickly thought of something.  _ Jason Dean.. Jay.. JD _ . “Just call me JD.” He hoped that was enough and he didn’t have to say his full name.

“JD, alright. Where’d you come from?” she asked.

“Washington.”

“Cool. I like your shirt, it’s looking choice.”

“Uh, thanks.” She was talking about his flannel, which is just an ordinary shirt. The slang was also odd, too.  _ She’s the social type. Just what I need _ .

Jason, now nicknamed JD, managed to survive Rachel’s questions and compliments. She was nice, but he would rather be left alone. He didn’t consider her a friend, but maybe an acquaintance. Sometimes, he really needed time to himself, so he purposely avoided her during free periods. He didn’t do it often, because he felt bad, but she had friends other than him to focus on.

He was on his way to 7-Eleven when he ran into Rachel. She was looking extremely uncomfortable. He tried to hide his concern when he greeted her. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. Just…”

“Come on, tell me.”

“This guy named Jack. He’s been bothering me a lot.”

“Like what?” he felt like he already knew “what” was.

“He’s… been saying stuff that makes me really uncomfortable.” 

His expression turned cold and his hand turned into a fist. “Where is he? He’s fucking-”

“Wait,” she cut him off, “please don’t go looking for him. I can handle this myself, okay?”

He relaxed a little but was feeling doubtful. “Alright.. But he does this again I’m kicking his ass.” He walked off without letting her reply.

  
  


For the next few days, JD kept an eye on Rachel making sure this Jack wouldn’t bother her. He didn’t know the guy but eventually found out who he was. A jock. A popular guy. Of course. A little piece of shit, too.

It was lunchtime when JD stopped paying attention for just a minute when he heard crying. It was from Rachel.

_ Fuck. _

He got up to see where she was. It took a bit, but he spotted her sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. He was by her side moments after. “What happened?” he asked, but he already knew what it was.”

“Jack was…” a sob cut her off and JD stiffened.

It was just a huge scene. The whole cafeteria was aware of what was happening, and word was spreading about what happened. JD looked around for Jack but couldn’t see the little bastard. All he could do at the moment was to try to comfort her. He was doing an awful job at it, but Rachel appreciated it anyway.

The whole day, JD was too angry to think straight. He can get mad often, but this was indescribable. He needed a slushie after school.

The trip to 7-Eleven was supposed to help calm him down. Clear his mind. But it didn’t help. His hands were shaking too much to hold his slushie properly.  _ God fucking damn it!  _ He was so pissed that the asshole Jack thought he got to do whatever he wanted. JD walked back to the school.

When he reached the school gates he searched for Jack. He almost immediately spotted him. He was talking with his friends acting like nothing was wrong. He could have at least looked like he acknowledged the fact that half the school knew about what happened at lunch.

He walked up to him, trying to stay calm. Or as calm as he could. “Hey! What did you do to her at lunch?”

“What? That girl? I didn’t do anything. I was trying to get a high five and she walked into my hand on purpose.” The dick just shrugged.

At this point, JD was fuming. The guy just  _ shrugged _ and gave the worst excuse as if it was a joke.  _ People  _ would  _ do it, though, _ he considered,  _ but she wouldn’t lie. He would. _ He grabbed Jack’s collar with his free hand and smashed his slushie in his face with the other. “Go fuck yourself, you lying cunt!” He threw the teenager to the ground.

“What the hell, man? I already said it wasn’t my fault!” He sprang back up just to get knocked back down with a hook to the jaw. “Fuck you!”

Some of his friends were rushing to help him up while one went up to JD and pushed him. “What the hell, dude?”

He staggered a little but regained his balance. “Get the fuck out. Your friend is a cuck-sucking little shit who needs to be put in his place!” he spat. He grabbed the guy and threw him into the crowd helping out Jack. 

The boys fell back and JD stepped forward. “Fuck off. This pansy has to fight his own battles.” The guy that was thrown made his escape, some backed off into the crowd watching the scene, and some stayed.

His hand shot up in a shooing gesture. “Mind moving?”

Instead of leaving, they flanked Jack since the pussy couldn’t fight his own battles. Two taller guys sprang at him.

He stepped to the right of one of them, he believed his name was Jamie, and drove a knee to his gut. He spun around and threw a punch that sent the other reeling.

Another one that was by Jack went up to him and punched him in the chest.

The enraged teen staggered back, slightly winded. He caught a quick breath before parrying a fist and striking with an uppercut.

A few more blows were exchanged. JD was sending a considerable amount of blows but wasn’t focusing on defending. He was getting more pissed that he couldn’t fight Jack himself and had to deal with his friends instead. That piece of shit harassed his.. friend, joked around about it, and couldn’t even fight for himself.

Kids from the group grabbed a couple of the boys trying to break up the fight. There was an attempt to hold JD back as well, but he shook him off. Jack himself finally joined in on the fight, putting his hands up and spitting. “Come on, then.” 

_ Wow _ . He openly sneered and threw a punch that hit his defense and made the jock punch himself.

He smirked in satisfaction as Jack shouted. “Shit!”

JD got a little cocky. “Quit hitting yourself.”

“Fuck you, bitch.”

He waited for him to attack. He ducked under a punch and came back up, pushing his opponent. While his enemy was off-balance, he stepped forward and threw a weak jab.

Jack leaned back to avoid it and was even more unbalanced. 

He took the opportunity to kick him and send the jock sprawling.

Evidently, Jamie broke free from the crowd. He felt something hit the back of his neck as he fell forward.

“Fuck!” he found himself rolling away from kicks. The distraction gave Jack enough time to get back up and have a breather.

The kicks were getting too close for his liking, so he managed to knock Jamie’s legs out from under him. As soon as JD started to stand up, he was tackled by Jack and fell back down.

He heard cheering, shouts, and jeers from the crowd watching the fight. The two boys were rolling around. JD caught a blow to the face, but also hit his opponent in the neck. They broke apart, trying to catch their breath.

JD sat back, panting, while Jack staggered towards him. Jamie was also coming close, but he just wanted to finish the skirmish already. He then realized he was carrying a gun loaded with blanks. He then quickly reached into his pocket.

The other two teenagers were just a few feet away when JD pulled out a gun, flipped the safety off, aimed, and fired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m late to post again hah fcuck me yey.  
> i’m still pissed about this shit and all those moves jd used, i am certainly able to do, and want to do on the piece of shit who harassed my friend :D


	10. Midnight Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hah 588 words it’s short fml
> 
> and this had like 20 references from set it off because i am a god

It was twelve AM. JD had woken up for the third time that night. He was sunken in his bed. The only thing he could see was the light of the moon. He was tired and just wanted sleep to come across him. He closed his eyes, but his mind had its own plan for the night.

Thoughts and memories flashed in his mind. He didn’t want it and tried to block them out, but they kept coming. Images of his mom in the building. His dad drunk and angry. Him shooting blanks at Jack and his friends. Getting expelled from the school afterwards.  _ Fuck that. He deserves to die. _

Eventually, JD fell asleep but dreamed of fighting an enemy he couldn’t see. He felt battered and tired. He heard jeers of all the people he knew. He was getting frustrated. 

He shot up in his bed.  _ Fucking hell _ . He laid back down and couldn’t help but think of all his bad experiences at every school he went to. Most of them were blurs, but he knew he got into fights and got either expelled or suspended afterward. The most vivid one was a year ago, where he shot blanks at Jack. They were too close and the wind actually hurt him. Whatever, he deserved it.

He let the thoughts sink in. JD wasn’t feeling any remorse or anger. Just emptiness. He was used to it being that way.

Since he couldn’t shake the thoughts, he welcomed it. Made friends with it. There’s no escaping it. It was the only thing that stayed with him. Well, that and 7-Eleven. 

He liked midnight. It was dark and quiet, like him. No one is out and it’s peaceful. 

His mind quickly switched to another subject; all the assholes in the world, the have-its and the have-nots, these criminal minds. He stopped believing in justice. There wasn’t any in the world. It filled him with disgust.

It filled him with satisfaction when he put the assholes in their places. There was a killer in the mirror, and it was him. Should he have submit to the pieces of shit who believe they run the world? Of course not.  _ I’d rather drown _ , he thought.

JD wasn’t one of those people who could afford to be happy all the time. They were all in different songs.  _ Knock ‘em in the teeth. Never let your guard down. Never show weakness. Let it disappear. _ He set up walls and rules for himself. He learned not to trust. Everyone from someone’s life will be gone eventually. They just bring problems and hurt people.

It’s all pretend. They lend a hand and fools take it and hold it close. They never let it go. That’s when they lose control of the pen. It begins to write a story on its own.

The white lies feeding all their egos. JD would never believe them. They remind him not to trust so easily. Not to trust at all. He was on his own. Doing a lonely dance. Nobody needed to understand. Silence was in town, and it was great. He didn’t need any phony friends around.  _ All I need is me, myself, and I _ , he thought.

The world was too loud, and he needed quiet. Ignore everything else. Why worry about such insignificant things?

JD fell asleep and woke up eight more times that night. Twelve times in total. Twelve.

He barely had any sleep, and night was turning into day.

_ I guess I’ll sleep when I am dead _


	11. Westerburg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i didn’t post sooner i was in hawaii and my writing’s still shit 👌  
> also it took me 11 chapters to get to what we’ve all been waitng for and i cut it off short i hate myself too

It was his first day at Westerburg High, and he could already tell in a couple of hours that it was full of thirsty self-absorbed assholes, like almost every other school. The kids at the bottom of the social hierarchy had problems. Extremely awkward and uninteresting. He was a bit disappointed that they were all the same boring. There was an occasionally okay person, or insane. JD briefly talked to another senior named Rodney. The first thing he said to him was that he wanted to kidnap one of the Heathers and tie her up in an abandoned warehouse and longed to do more.

He figured that it would be better if he kept a good distance from everybody. The first day was a hassle and nobody seemed to try to notice the new students or hang out. They looked like they just wanted the day to be over.

He didn’t know who the Heathers were and why everyone was so obsessed with them. They seemed like bitches.

Eventually, he saw four brightly-colored girls. It looked like the red one was the head bitch. The green and yellow were followers. He had a different feeling about the girl in blue though. He knew nothing about her, but after a couple minutes of observation, she seemed more reluctant towards the others. It was as if she didn’t want to be there, but then why would she be with them?

_ Wait. I’ve been staring _ , he realized,  _ for a long time, too _ .

He quickly looked away from them before anyone noticed.  _ Why am I even paying any attention to them? They just look like basic airheads… or at least, most of them do. God damn it, JD! _

He walked away to go to his next class. 

“I need a slushie,” he muttered.

JD walked through the front doors to his temporary home with a slushie. Bud was already waiting for him, standing in the kitchen doorway. “Hey, Pop, how was work today?” He was holding a bottle of beer and was probably drunk or at least tipsy. When he did his role-switching game he was usually drinking. 

“Not a good day. Just hopin’ to get rid of these buildings and go.” He really felt like leaving already but he thought about it for a moment. The Deans were spending some extra time in Sherwood, should he use the time he has here to get to know someone? God, he hated that he had a  _ specific  _ someone.  _ Quit it, JD. Be numb. That’s all you know.  _

Bud looked at him with pride. Clearly he took his statement the wrong way. “That’s my son.” He dropped the game of pretend. “Efficient and has the same interests. Got some of my good looks, too. Hey, why don’t I show you how to rig up a bomb?”

JD reluctantly followed his father into the basement to learn how to blow up shit.

  
  


On his second day, more people were starting to notice him. They either avoided or whispered about him. He ignored it. The insignificant little assholes. If they would treat him like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, then he’ll be one. As a warning, he could pull out his gun at any time.

JD avoided as many people as he could, especially the more popular kids. He saw them walking around always causing helpless people trouble.

There were also wannabes everywhere, trying to get people’s approval and acting cool or whatever. It was amusingly pathetic.

He didn’t know where all this anger and frustration was coming from. He’s seen the same things over and over again from each school, but there was something about this place that felt odd. He didn’t know what.

Some kids tried to pick a fight with him, but he walked away from it. He wasn’t up for that currently. He saw what some of them were trying to do. Finding vulnerabilities and keep going for it. Either physically or verbally. Words no longer affected JD, but his dark coat did hide a lot of his cuts and bruises. A few from Bud, a few from himself, and quite a few from fights with students.

He was considering trying to get himself expelled from the school. He wanted out already. He wasn’t paying attention in class, he already knew most of the things that were being taught from reading books. His migraines also discouraged him from joining the class in listening and participating. 

Finally, it was lunch. A little break where JD could read his book in peace. Actually, there wasn’t much peace considering he was in a lunchroom full of loud, obnoxious students. 

He took a bit of time to observe the cafeteria. Jocks, geeks, losers, outcasts, bullies, and finally, his eyes landed on the Heathers.

They were looking mischievous. No,  _ evil _ .

All except one. She looked neutral, but was writing something on the back of one of the green Heather.  _ Strange. They’re in a cafeteria full of tables but she has to write on her friend?  _

He watched as the lead Heather gave the note to a couple of jocks. One of them started to open it up, but Red Heather said something that made them give it back and they went to go torment a scrawny kid instead.

Three of the Heathers looked to be arguing with the one in blue. He strained to hear what they were saying, but the cafeteria was too loud at the moment. He could only hear her saying “...had a thing for Ram… this could crush her!”

He decided to keep reading his book.  _ Quit staring. They’re nome of your concern _ , he thought, but he couldn’t stop himself from continuing to tune in on their conversation.

JD was a fair distance away from them so he could only catch a few things.  

“Last chance… Martha Dumptruck isn’t your friend… could be an opportunity at being a true Heather…”

Afterwards, there was a flash of red, green, and yellow and he looked up to see that each of them were going to different tables, holding a clipboard. Doing a poll, he guessed. The fourth one just stood there until another girl went up to her. “...Ram invited me…party!”  _ Damn, trying to figure out what they’re saying is annoying _ . He stopped trying to listen and went back to his book. In his mind, he was fitting the pieces of what just happened together.  _ She wrote a note.. ended up to “Martha Dunptruck” saying it was an invitation… by whoever Ram is. Maybe one of those jocks.  _ He remembered what the girl with the Heathers said. Something about Martha liking Ram. Sounds like the color coded bitches were pulling a prank.

Then, JD saw blue. Walking towards him.

He looked up to see that it was her. The same girl hanging around the Heathers. The girl who also resists them at the same time. They were looking directly at each other. She was pretty. Short, brown hair. Brilliant hazel eyes. He could have kept going but he realized the two were just staring at each other in silence.

They both snapped out of it and she spoke first. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”

“Ah, well, I just moved here,” he responded.

She looked down to her clipboard. “This may sound lke a stupid question..” she started.

JD would have replied with “There are no stupid questions”, but he had to say something else first. “You know, you shouldn’t have bowed down to the swatch dogs and diet coke heads. They’ll crush that girl.”

She looked back up in surprise. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Clearly, you’ve still got a soul,” he shrugged, “you just have to work harder on keeping it clean. We are all born marked for evil.” The last part had a little dramatic tone. He didn’t stay for her poll question. Even though he’d like to talk to her more, he got up and started to leave.

“Hey! Wait! Don’t just quote Baudelaire at me and then walk away, excuse me.”

He stopped and turned to her.

“I didn’t catch your name.” JD smirked.

“I didn’t throw it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like charks


	12. A “Friendly” Welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i’m like super self conscious of my awful writing and inconsistencies i don’t even know what this is. so i guess enjoy my fourth-grader-level writing skills.
> 
> also this title is shit i couldn’t think of anything else lmao

“Hey, sweetheart!” an obnoxiously loud voice yelled. JD didn’t even have time to look before a guy roughly grabbed him. “What’d your boyfriend say when you told ‘em you were movin’ to Sherwood,  _ Ohiooo?” _

“My buddy, Kurt, just asked you a question. Answer him, dick.” A second asshole smacked him on the head a few times.

“Hey, Ram, doesn’t this cafetria have a ‘No-Fags-Allowed’ rule?”  _ Kurt and Ram,  _ he noted, though their names aren’t very important to him. They’re just basic jocks making their voices sound deeper and throwing homophobic slurs. 

“Gee, Kurt. I’m sure they do!”

Normally, JD would have just pulled out his gun and shot a couple blanks at the neanderthals.  _ That  _ would have ended it quickly, but he was aware of the audience watching the three boys. He got a quick glimpse of the girl he briefly talked to just before Kurt and Ram showed up. So instead, he decided he should put on a little show for the spectators in the cafeteria.

He openly sneered. “Seem to have an open door policy for assholes, though.”

There was silence for a moment, seemed like the jocks couldn’t think of an original comeback. Predictable. Another thing that was predictable were the words “Hold his arms.” And, as expected, he was in for a fight.

He was grabbed by the arms as the one he believed was named Kurt threw a fist at him, which was blocked by his book. He kicked Kurt, managing to push him back, then he broke free from Ram’s grip. He spun around, slamming the corner of his book into the jock’s face, watching in satisfaction as he staggered back. He tossed his book to the side and turned to see Kurt throwing a punch, which was easily parried, and he kicked the asshole in the dick.

JD felt Ram shove him hard from behind, and so he whipped around and threw a mighty hook right into his jaw. The jock’s pathetic face was hilarious as he was sent sprawling. The fight was incredibly underwhelming, these assholes were all talk. 

When Kurt came up to punch him, it was square in the jaw.

He wiped the blood from his nose, and thought,  _ At least he can fight a little, I suppose.  _ Kurt swung again, but JD took a small step back, and so he missed, just barely grazing him. He threw his arms up in a  _ Really?  _ sort if way, and grabbed the brute’s head. He leaned back, and slammed his head into Kurt. He headbutt him a few more times before dropping him on the floor.

Taking a deep breath, JD stepped back as he pushed back his messy hair. At that point, the staff came down to investigate all the commotion, and found the two jocks on the ground next to the boy in the trench coat. He was pulled out of the room along with the other two. As he was leaving, he glanced at the onlookers around, smirking. Right before he was out if the cafeteria, he made a little salute to them. _ You’re welcome for putting these dicks in their places. _

 

He was sitting in the principal’s office while Kurt and Ram were holding ice packs over their bruises, staying away from him. He didn’t bother listening to whatever Gowan was saying to him. He heard something about calling his father, and JD suppressed a contemptuous snort. Bud wouldn’t give a shit about what he did, he probably wouldn’t even answer the call.

Eventually, he was let out, already forgetting whatever the faculty members lectured to him. He smirked as he watched the two jocks look at him fearfully before turning away and walking in the other direction.

He heard one of them mumble, “Aw, man that sucks. He fights better than the real Bo Diddley…”

He rolled his eyes and continued with his day. The excitement was over, and he had to return to the usual. Being an outcast to his peers. A delinquent to the adults. He huffed and went to his locker.

 

The rest of the school day was awfully slow, and he really needed to get to 7-Eleven. It was the second to last period, and he was close to just get up and leave the class. He jotted down a couple notes and looked at the clock, finding that it was 1:37 PM. Ms. Fleming’s lesson was drowned out by JD’s own thoughts and he observed the room. Neither of the jocks from earlier were there, but the Heather dressed in red was. She was a few seats away, right next to her friend in blue.

He quickly glanced at her, and caught her looking back at him. Averting his eyes, he went back to his relatively blank notebook. He couldn’t resist focusing his gaze on her once again. She was looking down, seemingly embarrassed, while the red bitch glared at him. He turned away with a scowl, still feeling her stare on him.

Eventually class ended, and he hurried his way out. As he was exiting, he swore he felt someone’s gaze on him as he was turned away.

After school ended, JD rushed out of the front doors and made his way to his motorbike. He started it up and rode off, feeling the wind blow through his hair. He decided to ride around aimlessly for a bit. It was pretty peaceful, which peace wasn’t very common to him. It was strange, but nice. 

Soon after, he stopped at the 7-Eleven. He hopped off his bike and walked into that familiar convenient store.

He hung around there, sipping his slushie pretty contentedly. He didn’t know what time it was, but he saw through the building’s windows that the sun was setting, turning the sky into a light orange.

He heard the doors open and the ring when it does. Turning his attention to the front, he spotted a familiar face and a blue color headin towards one if the aisles.  _Well, I’ll be damned,_ he thought, slowly walking over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea when the next one will come out cause i’ve been busy with school and personal things so eh. bye.


End file.
